“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” ~ Michelangelo
“From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.” – Arthur Ashe
I’m not a big fan of cliches. They are used too frequently without thought and just products of repetitive statements we use during complex situations that certainly require something of more value and sentiment to the recipient.
I was thinking of one in particular. “I’m here for you” or “I’m there for you”. I get the basic gist of it – a simple offering of support and maybe a little more but what should it mean? I guess I could devote a great deal of analysis to these statements but my evaluation is centered around what I’ve meant when saying it in the past compared to now, and what it’s meant when offered in my direction.
Thinking of when I used to say it, I pretty much meant it literally. I’d be “here” for someone but they’d have to generally come to where I was if they needed something important. I was “there” for someone but not really. I was usually at a safe distance so that I would be unable or unwilling to get “there”. Not always and maybe not intentionally but in thinking back, too frequently.
In addition, I find little comfort when someone says “I’m there for you” when going through tough times. I really don’t need a congregation of people at where I’m at since I already know how I got “there” and don’t like where “there” is at. I may not expect the answers but it won’t help me to have company “there”. What is needed is a temporary escape from “there” and maybe another mind and set of eyes to show me a possible way to get out of “there” because a cascade of thoughts and emotions sometimes complicates the recognition of the simplest and most logical solutions.
I know, this sounds like a bad comedy bit but here’s the point. Now when I say “I’m here for you”, it means that when called upon, I will be “there with you.” I understand that trying to provide a quick solution to a complex dilemma generally leads down a more complex path or at times, proving to be more destructive. I do know that taking someone from where they may be (figuratively and/or literally), slowing things down, maybe mixing a genuine hug and reason to smile, and letting them be heard so that they can hear themselves on the outside of their mind provides a good starting point to get out of “there”. This then challenges the best parts of myself by seeing what that person (not me) is capable of doing and offering small guidance about what might be done to slowly take their initial steps somewhere else. Importantly they will know that if needed, I will support and help them up (not carry) when they stumble and fall. More importantly I will reinforce them on the best direction because it’s their obligation to “make it happen” for themselves.
This is a lot of words but a simple point I hope you recognize. By who you are, you have the best potential to be difference makers. By virtue of how you were raised and the nature of your character, personality, compassion, morality, and fundamental beliefs, you can provide so much of the best part of who you are to others. I’m not just talking about the obvious targets like girlfriends or family but also friends and acquaintances who are reluctant to demonstrate the hidden cracks on their hearts and souls.
How often do we ask “what’s wrong” and get a response like “I’m fine” or “okay” (save that discussion for another day) and settle for it when we know things are absolutely the opposite. I won’t ask “what you are waiting for” but more “why are you waiting”? You are no longer the “innocents” of my generation but increasingly responsible and accountable for your generation. If you want a perfect world, time to start perfecting the world around you and see if it can be expanded a bit at a time through your own acts of kindness based on your own goodness.
I’ll end with the words of a U2 song. “A broken (or injured) heart is an open heart” so if you recognize it, maybe that’s the time you could really be “there” to help it heal – this is separate and apart from romantic relationships but on a more profound scale. Simple gestures might just lead to small miracles. Either way, I’ve been “here for you”, will be “there with you”, and help you get away from “there”, and always will! It’s not hard to find me, you know?
So think about what you say to someone and the actual real meaning behind it and then, give more meaning afterwards to what you just said because one day you may be the one person they need to rely on! It may be a heavier burden than anticipated but sometimes, affirmations that evidence your character may also call upon untempered accountability so that the perfect world you’re looking for might reveal itself beyond your horizons.
After watching my dad love me, I hoped one day I’d love my own child too;
When I asked for a child, He decided to give me two;
When I held my sons the first time, I still can’t hold them enough;
I once helped them take their first steps, now they’re faster than me;
When I prayed they’d be healthy, the Lord decided to make them athletes too;
I prayed that they’d be safe, now they stick up for others;
I wanted them to be kind, and now they’re full of compassion;
I hoped that they’d listen to me, now I listen to them;
I shared with them my thoughts, now they think for themselves;
I gave them my best guidance, now they’ve learned to lead others;
I’ve taught them about life, now they know how beautiful it can be;
They’ve changed the world I lived in, now they’re changing their own;
I’ve seen them grow older every day, now it seems they’ve grown up too fast;
And though they know I love them, I doubt they’ll ever know how much;
I was able to give them life, they were able to give me the best of everything;
I see why I wanted to be like my dad, I only wished he was here to see how I did;
I’ve been blessed with two sons, but the miracle was the father they made me;
God rewarded my wish to be a dad like mine, and I know one day my sons will be even better ones. – Joe Dico
If you do enough of the good things right, you generally cannot go wrong. If you do enough of the good things great, you can generally go where you dream! – Dad
(I wrote the following about Christian almost exactly four years ago when he was 13 years-old and seemed worth revisiting on his birthday. Now as he turns 17 and one year away from starting his baseball career at the University of Washington, it almost seems too profetic after I saw what was emerging from him way back when this dream seemed so far down the road!
“Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose … not the one you began with perhaps, but one you’ll be glad to remember.”
Failure doesn’t occur until the moment you stop trying. Even worse is if you never risk making any attempt or effort at all because it may damage what is only our ego and/or vanity – sadly that only means we’re too timid to test our courage and determination. Such a mindset is the most tragic because it serves as a better measure of our character and future direction but then again, if there was never an attempt for success, there’s no failure to compare it to and I suppose there’s a false security in that for those who choose such an approach.
I guess for many people, there’s some safety and resulting comfort in never exploring beyond the limited aspirations they’ve set forth because there’s too much uncertainty in the unknown. That’s probably a blissful and comfortable existence but for me, I just have an overwhelming desire to satisfy my curiosity, especially about things that challenge the fulfillment of what I want.
As I often do, I look back at everything good and bad that’s occurred in my life and the one essential part of the equation leading to the results of all those things has been one ingredient – ME. Did you know in high school I only applied to one college, USC, and that was for a couple of reasons. It’s the only place I wanted to go and, my family didn’t have a lot of money for me to fill out too many college applications. My grades were decent but I’m pretty sure I was accepted because I wrote a “kick-ass” application letter about why they should accept me and as you know, they did. However countering that, I also thought I’d be in love forever so that among other things canceled out my plans for USC at the time with the hope I would go there at a later time. Interesting choice on my part at the time and we all know where that thought led me but then again, I would not have found Mom and I have no regrets about the alternative outcome.
I also wanted to go to law school and while there, I honestly wasn’t at the top of my class because I knew the real prize was the bar exam and balancing working full-time, a (very) active social life, and a girlfriend who would be my wife, stretched my resources rather thin during the four years I was there. However after graduating, that’s when I shifted gears to study for the exam and passed it the first time around when 60-70% of others didn’t with some never passing even after multiple attempts. To this day I’m not sure how that happened because as I’ve mentioned before, I found out that my father had terminal cancer the night before the exam began and it would have been understandable had I been too distracted to pass. Maybe divine intervention since he passed a month afterward or I was lucky but then again, I doubt it!
The next major goal occurred after Jason was born. I was determined to invest in being a decent Dad while choosing a profession that challenges that intention so I looked for a job close to home, even though the best jobs were in LA and OC. I didn’t know “squat” about South Bay law firms but sent about 20 letters and resumes to the most interesting ones and I guess based on the way it was written, my future boss called me and after what I assume was an impressive enough interview to BS my way into getting hired, got a job at one of the best firms in So Cal, and later became a partner which is supposed to be every lawyers dream. It was not as big of a deal after a while but at least I did it which few could say. And I got to be a bigger part of not only Jason’s life but thankfully, yours! Maybe I was lucky but doubt it!
Christian, we’re alike in so many ways and maybe it’s in large part due to the time we’ve spent together since my injury and there is no precise value that could measure how grateful I am about the moments that has led us to the relationship that we now share. Some people are afraid to walk beyond what they can see because of fear of the unknown. Me, I just have to know and then respond accordingly and I see you building your confidence each day that reflects a similar approach.
Some don’t want to run in bare feet on a gravel path towards the places they want to get to because they’re afraid of falling, the cuts and bruises they’ll suffer, the dirt, etc. That’s just not a justifiable reason for me not to get there. I carry the bloodstains and scratches like a badge of honor because it means I didn’t give up even though things weren’t as smooth as I hoped for and made me more confident about the next journey ahead. I guess it’s just not within us to quit or sit still when there’s something that we feel is worth having.
It took a tortuous path that led to my injury but I guess it was just me testing a different kind of curiosity but so began a different journey that I mapped out. Was everything as smooth as I hoped for – of course not but at least I didn’t just imagine what was out there because I had to find out. I like obstacles because I enjoy the challenge of overcoming them, especially when I know the rarity of others being able to do it. Even just falling short doesn’t feel as disappointing if I at least exhausted all I had for things to result the way they did and in the end, I took something from it.
What’s pretty cool is that even though I had varying amounts of support (sometimes not a lot compared to you), all of the above were accomplished because of ME and I needed no greater incentive than what I created and demanded. Ownership of my life without excuses has made it easier to accept my shortcomings (along with accomplishments) without deflecting responsibility.
If something can’t be done, make sure that you are the one to determine what it is, with every avenue explored to make that determination. Remember that those who say you can’t do something generally never had the courage or confidence to try themselves, or just stopped pushing themselves without realizing how close they were had they kept trying a few more times. When you do it, they’ll probably say you were lucky but I doubt it since you’re already showing that you understand that there is little reason for doubt when it comes to YOU!
“In reflecting on the times of my life, it occurs to me that the difficult, arduous experiences always pass, or at least wane to a tolerable level. On the other hand, thankfully, the positive, uplifting aspects of my life journey seem to hold strong and steady throughout, as long as I appreciate and nurture them.” – David L. Weatherford
So here’s what I’ve learned and better understand about all that has happened in my life. All those times that I once thought were one of the worst times in my life eventually just became parts of it and nowhere near the calamities and catastrophes I though they were. It just seems that the natural evolution of time provides a resolution for the past and better context for the future.
The difficulties in our lives certainly have an impact on it and the quality in how we will continue to live it afterwards. Part of that is dependent on how we continue to perceive those difficulties and how long we allow them to exercise control over every day that occurs after them. To me it seems we have to forge a relationship between the acceptance of what has occurred and that in time, the eventuality they will fade in the background and reside in the past where they belong. I’m not saying they should be forgotten because that’s not realistic but as I’ve said before, “don’t give light to the past”, when we should remain resolute to working with the hope and promise of better days ahead of us because they are truly out their. Their visibility is entirely dependent on whether our eyes and mind process what is in front of us and not hampered by that which cannot be changed.
Here is a personal example. Both my parents died 20 years ago within the span of 10 months. I’m still not sure which was more painful; witnessing their battles with cancer during the 4 years leading to their deaths, or dealing with the actual loss following their passing. The former still allowed me additional time with them but with the trade off of having them suffer through indescribable pain as they fought for those extra days. The latter gave them freedom from that pain when they decided they’d had enough and in a sense it gave me peace as well, until the realization set in that they were forever lost, at least in my earthly existence. I still don’t know which one was more severe but by any measure it was the worst time of my life no matter what internal and external coping mechanisms I exercised to minimize it.
In undertaking various philosophies and advice on how to grieve, I found in due course that all I needed was time for personal reflection, perspective, and the realization that I was fortunate for the time I had with them. If broken down on simple and natural levels, I accepted that this was the normal and inevitable sequence of generational events. Although distinguishable from others in the details, it was inevitable that they would pass before me and I was fortunate for how I remember them and how they live within almost everything I do, see, and feel.
In time I realized that it was not so much healing from their loss but getting on with the investment in myself, people, and things, that deserved and required my attention. I had so much at the time but the void left behind was eventually filled by Jason, Christian, and so many other changes in my world that grew to be just as meaningful because they became part of my “NOW” and “TOMORROWS”. Given their importance in how I continue to define and find significance in the life I still lead, it became critical to keep pace with them rather than wallow unnecessarily over losses and moments that are better left where they should remain. Otherwise whatever influence and contributions that my family and others may benefit from would be rendered obsolete with the passage of time.
A lot of people refer to life as a journey and by all means it is, or at least it should be. But for anything to qualify as a “journey”, there needs to be some progression and movement towards a destination; otherwise we remain ships adrift without sails or dry docked in the ports of call that we restrict ourselves too for convenience and safety. That is of course until the next hurricane, typhoon, or other natural calamity strikes and the only hope is to weather them and repair the damage that results. For me, I’m more interested in getting to where I want and need to be and would rather sail through and around them as opposed to remaining stationary and risk being beaten into submission.
I understand that God is behind some of the potentially disruptive forces we will undoubtedly encounter. However I honestly believe He still gives us the choice to step around many of those that can and should be avoided, and move beyond the others once the dust has settled and we are given greater clarity to continue on with our journey.
So we have to be aware that there will be times when we will be temporarily slowed or even stopped dead in our tracks depending on the severity of what was hurled our way or tragically taken from us. Still we have to remember that while we repair, reassemble, and regroup from those things that challenge us, other parts of our life move on without the same hesitation and at times, demanding and screaming for our attention and care.
If I ever need the motivation and inspiration to escape any sorrow I feel for myself, all I do is think of my friend Dee Dee. To lose her husband to cancer with infant and toddler sons who were too young to understand the loss she carried each day forward and still raise them remarkably, I have neither the words or insight to describe the tribulations she must have worked through. People liberally exercise the adjective “heroes” and “heroines” to mundane achievements but Dee Dee is on any scale absolutely and unequivocally one of mine and her sons, Cole and Brice, I hope she is one of yours! Maybe like my parents, our children along with what was discovered and added along the way became our salvation. Oh have I mentioned before that I “f’ing hate cancer”!
So when life changes through addition or subtraction and it seems like the challenges to recover from them are insurmountable, they’re not! The seeds have been or will be planted to grow from those moments. And with hope, effort, and time, the pain will eventually fade and our lives will soon bask in the happiness of the quality, quantity, and beauty that replaces those moments if we exercise our capacity to appreciate and enjoy them. There are only two things that can be taken that matter. The first is when our last heartbeat is extinguished on this earth and that is decided by God. The second is when all hope, faith, and joy in living is surrendered and that is extinguished by ourselves.
Last quote and I hope you got through the lengthy dialogue above because this is the message I’m trying to convey. “In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change, lies our happiness and freedom.” – Buddha
It’s an unpredictable life but oh, what a rich one it always can be!