9/12/14

Sitting at the beach right now and as always, it’s my way to connect and reflect about my time with my parents.

I was thinking about whether I did enough for them while I had them? Of course the answer is “no” because I was too young and to self-absorbed to realize any shortcomings. In addition, I didn’t appreciate the concept of the uncertainty of their existence until they were taken away from me. Not really looking back with any shame but a bit of regret. Still I think they had a greater understanding of why my actions were less than desired because of their own experience through their own upbringing coupled with their role as my parents. At least that’s what I tell myself.

I sometimes think back about the stupid fights I had with my Mom with the causes and escalation shared between the two of us. One thing I know now is that when my mother got really enraged, she was not necessarily raging because she carried the weight of her world but raged because of the weight of MY WORLD! I want you to think about that when Mom and I ask for a brief break. It’s not because we want a break from being parents but because sometimes we just need to rest because carrying the weight of YOUR WORLDS feels a bit heavier on certain days.

This is not so much about me but more for Mom. I’ve known her going on almost thirty years now and really loving her for 26 years. Have I done everything that I could for her or was I derailed due to my youth and/or the same self-absorption I exhibited with my parents? Of course! Has Mom done more for me (and probably all of us) than what she’s gotten in return? Absolutely! We know Mom and trust me, most of her relationships have been that way and it will continue to be so because either by title or nature, she undoubtedly will be recognized as a “giver” who demands little in return. Sometimes it frustrates me because she deserves so much more than people offer her in return which frequently leads to others’ drama and chaos creating the same for her. Still gotta love that woman either way.

The point: During my recovery this may be one of the few times in her life that someone (me) has done more for her to keep her happy while expecting little in return. I’ve done the same for you boys because I have the time, desire, and ability. I have enough to carry my world on my own shoulders with a sense of harmony making it easier to carry all of yours. Just the way I roll you know? All I ask that when Mom reacts sometime in a way that seems like rage, remember she is just raging like my Mother in carrying the weight of OUR WORLDS! She always recognizes where her initial responses were out of proportion to the situation but none of us are perfect. Remember that what we may feel is “wrong with her” is still perfect for us in the end. So this is what I ask – give her a break when you see she might need one and do a bit more for yourselves. Of course she’ll do it and you know she will but why should she have to? Just thinking but by doing so, how good would it make her feel and how good would you feel about yourselves? Again, just thinking.