Monthly Archives: May 2015

Jason, Because I’m Your Dad And I Love You… – Finding Peace

28 Thursday May 2015

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4/5/15

“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace.  The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.” – Dalai Lama

Jason because I’m your Dad, I’m going to leave this for you to think about because it took me a lot longer to put into consistent practice.  The easiest decisions we make for ourselves are either the most obvious or convenient.  Oftentimes the hardest decisions are the ones that are best for ourselves because of not only what we gain from them, but the things and people that we give up or are left by the road side on the way to the destination we want to move towards.  We are strengthened if we exercise kindness for ourselves and find the inner peace that are the most important and basic components that will get us towards where we hope to end up.  I think the answer doesn’t really change to the questions that continue to confront us in either our minds or God’s eyes and His role I believe is solely to give us additional clarity and strength to make those difficult decisions.  Also the results don’t change other than to grow more problematic when we end up delaying them for the sake of ease, convenience, or avoidance of the inevitable confrontation.  You are the only one who can provide the greatest gifts to and for YOU as you get older because the situations and circumstances are fading from my and Mom’s control but never our support.

Read this again: “In reflecting on the times of my life, it occurs to me that the difficult, arduous experiences always pass, or at least wane to a tolerable level.   On the other hand, thankfully, the positive, uplifting aspects of my life’s journey seem to hold strong and steady throughout, as long as I appreciate and nurture them.”  What we think we lose while we are young coupled with the importance we apply to them will fade in time sooner when you’re younger, and the other things that fill those gaps will make us question why we didn’t act sooner!

I’m no genius but I can tell you that there has not been one thing I’ve lost in the past, including my parents, where that void wasn’t eventually filled somehow and somewhere to give me something that would allow me to continue to see a future full of optimism.  I’m not just talking about the addition of you and Christian in my life, but all things including what I surprisingly discovered along the way while recovering from an injury where I didn’t expect to learn so much from.  It’s funny how things just worked out that way from the most unorthodox circumstances and with it, the peace I was seeking slowly settled within my soul where it could be best served.

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Happy Memorial Day

25 Monday May 2015

Posted by in Confessional, Finding Happiness, Hope

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5/25/15

“Just give me tomorrow.” – unidentified Korean War Marine soldier

J, I think you’ll like this given your admiration for the Marine Corp. I was watching a Military Channel documentary “Against the Odds” about a company of Marines who fought in one of more iconic battles in the history of the Corp at the Chosin Reservoir during the Korean War or “police action” as it was officially referred to.  I guess this was to avoid the stigma of the conflict that ended just years before called “WWII”.  I’m not sure that the soldiers in the field during the later action felt any different than the ones who were part of the earlier one.  However if that description made it more palatable to the politicians and public at the time, so be it but again, I’m sure the consequences and emotions associated with the battles faced by both “boots on the ground” were vastly similar regardless of it’s presentation to the masses.

Now back to the “Frozen Chosin” and the company that eventually was known as “Bloody George” because of it’s casualty rate.  Their role became famous within the grander story that makes every Marine proud to be part of that tradition.  Just a quick breakdown of the story, the George Company of the 1st Division after landing on Inchon (another iconic battle) and fighting in Seoul drew, more by circumstances than choice, the responsibility of having to hold their ground serving as “Spartans” to fend off what seemed to be the inevitable annihilation of the entire division by an unexpected attack by a Chinese force.  The Chinese army vastly outnumbered them while the division battled unforgiving terrain and the most severe elements of the winter that struck during this engagement.

I was riveted in fascination by the story and interviews with the surviving members of that company.  Since my father was a Marine veteran of Korea who continually referred to ideals of his beloved Corp as I grew up, I look upon just about every Marine combat veteran with an abundance of respect and personal pride by just having that connection with my father as well as other family members who wore that uniform.  J carries that pride and still holds my father’s Marine emblem in his hand during his pre-game prayers and ritual.  Interestingly, I was informed after my father’s death by a Marine Corp vet who knew him that my Dad was involved in that epic battle while still only a teenager.  I’ve never bothered to verify it nor do I question its veracity since it wouldn’t affect the “hero” I’ve always viewed him as during my whole life.  Moreover given his character, it doesn’t surprise me that he didn’t share that information because as I’ve learned, it was an awful engagement to be a part of and it was a memory reserved for a different audience than someone who could never understand the basic and personal ferocity of war.

So back to the point (thank goodness).  George Company, who continuously battled for months of fighting culminating in surviving and escaping from a relentless onslaught of attacks by the Chinese (who outnumbered them 10-1) and the environment at Chosin, were nearing the end of their organized march to the deliverance of their home base from this personal “hell”.  At this juncture, a correspondent approached one of the beleaguered company and asked what probably sounded like a ridiculous question at the time considering all the Marine had been through.  However his response gave a profound meaning to not just his or his comrade’s existence but served as a reminder to mine.

Paraphrasing the question to that soldier, he was asked “if I were God and I could give you anything for Christmas, what would you want?”  A picture was taken of his face with the vacant stare often seen on those in combat, fatigued and almost indifferent to the death he’d witnessed, answering with this simple response: just “give me tomorrow!”

It would take way too long to share my own history to fully capture how important those words came across to me when I first heard them and all the times I’ve repeated them in my head since then.  I think
of all those times when I probably exaggerated the despair over the pseudo and “faux” ordeals that I unnecessarily burdened myself with at the expense of valuable time lost and the damage it caused.  As I sit where I’m at now in my life, I can only say that I’m so ashamed of myself and I apologize to my Creator for all those days I despised and destroyed, along with all those “tomorrows” whose future occurrence I dreaded – how’s that for honesty?  I understand now, and thankfully not too late given my close calls with immortality, that each day was my own personal gift with resources to invest as I saw fit and that the “tomorrows” were only a privilege with no assurance that they would ever begin. I was such an f’ing fool and I also apologize to those who continually attempted to point out the overwhelmingly numerical reasons why my life was better than the few I chose to focus on and torture myself with – again, how’s that for honesty?

So my point, especially to you youngsters.  Never under-appreciate the simple, basic elegance of the days afforded to us since they pass out of our vision too quickly and thinking what’s ahead of us to replace it just may never be there.  It shouldn’t take that particular Marine or some old guy who fell on his head leading to a massive brain bleed, with the odds numerically against them more than most others for getting another “tomorrow”, lead you to understand what is right here in front of us is the only time that we are guaranteed to make the best difference for ourselves and everything around us.  J remember what I told you: until the last sun sets on the days we are given, every tomorrow has the potential to be the best day of our life with the odds dramatically in our favor based on what we do, how we live, and the hope we carry towards the next day and it matters not how it ultimately turns out.

So I dedicate this message to my father, the Marines, and all military veterans given that this is Memorial Day and it’s important to me that I do something even if it’s sharing this particular story and associated message.  Referring to the Marine Corp credo of “semper fidelis”, I think it’s pertinent to the ideal of being “always faithful” to acting for the betterment of ourselves and those especially close to us.  In my case in thinking about the story above, if we try to practice with that faith and tragically are not “given tomorrow”, at least what is left behind for others is a memory and it should reflect the following:  We did the best we could, despite any adversity we had to endure, and capitalized on every internal and external resource available to us to make a joyful difference in the only life that we’ve been given, regardless of whether our own expectations of perfection are met.

I’ll end with this quote because I’ve been waiting so long for the right opportunity and I think it relays such a strong message regardless of the particular religious beliefs that are individually adhered to.

“Live a good life.  If there are gods and they are just, they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by.  If there are gods but unjust, then you should not want to worship them.  If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” – Marcus Aurelius

Competing Towards Succeeding – Message to Jason

23 Saturday May 2015

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4/24/15

Every at-bat in baseball is not just about competition.  Anyone can compete with varying degrees af intensity.  Remember competing is just the engine that drives you towards the ultimate goal which is…conquest!  And conquest is already determined well before the competition by how you plan and with that plan, convince yourself that the conquest has already been decided by what you WILL do, not what you think you are able to do.  With confidence, commitment, and focus on the proper execution that you know is needed to succeed, there are far less variables that will have an effect on how you will conquer what and who you are competing against!  “How fast can you run?  Fast as a leopard!  How fast are you going to run?  Fast as a leopard!  Then let’s see you do it! (quote from the movie Gallipoli)”

Losing Hope Doesn’t Mean All Hope Is Lost – A Bit Long But A Strong Message

18 Monday May 2015

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Cooperstown Morning

11/13/14

“Without change there is no innovation, creativity, or incentive for improvement. Those who initiate change will have a better opportunity to manage the change that is inevitable.”

I was thinking (yes again) about the difficulty of accepting not only the consequences of our actions but of the circumstances and situations surrounding them.  During our early upbringing we were somewhat led to believe in the concept of a perfect and utopian society and existence.  I think it was meant to fuel our early belief that anything was possible and that we can overcome any obstacle.  Don’t get me wrong, I think this is a laudable approach and I do believe that everything is achievable until proven otherwise but the bigger questions are when we really reach that point and who defines it?

As we experience and encounter more, we are faced with the challenge of alterations to our previous plans.  What to do?  Nothing if that’s what you accept as the final product of your efforts.  Maybe that’s good enough for some who find a morbid satisfaction with the inequality of fate.  Better to deflect blame through inaction than have to strain to uncover how much additional control we can exercise when faced with what may just be temporary setback.

We’re all going to get answers to what we ask and strive for and how we interpret them is fundamental to their achievement or sadly, our disregard.  When we receive a “no” initially and accept it as the final response, maybe we didn’t understand that the answer was only “not yet”!  “Failure” is often accepted when we fail to interpret it as we’re “a bit closer” or “almost there”!  “Going as far as we can go” is often confused with “going as far as we’ll try”!  I guess what we learn (or may never know) about ourselves is what we can still sense through complete darkness and silence.

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to realizing when you’ve reached the end of a road.  So rare is it that the route that we meticulously planned out ends up traveled along through its precise coordinates.  But why do so many end a journey when a road is blocked requiring only a change in directions?  Our compass may remain pointed in the same direction but it’s foolish to think that there will never be detours and delays.  It doesn’t mean we don’t press on, or continually attempt to push immovable obstacles – that’s a waist of energy and painful.  We just need to exercise some ingenuity and creativity to figure out how to move around them to get towards the future we’ve designed.

I remember something I was told about “judgment day” when a man was in front of Saint Peter and judged to be unworthy of entering Heaven.  As the door was closed and the man dejectedly began to walk away, he heard a woman’s voice and as he looked down away from the door, the Virgin Mary had opened a nearby window allowing him to enter into God’s kingdom!

I’ve always remembered that story to remind me that when we feel we’ve lost hope, it does not mean all hope is lost!  If needing shelter while on the way to our destination and a door is closed, it doesn’t mean it’s locked.  If locked, at least knock because someone may be home to let you in.  If still no answer, then go to another door or window and knock because if someone is home, there’s a chance they’ll help.  If they don’t or still no answer, there’s rumor of a poor couple who found shelter in a manger and gave birth to a child that changed the world!

So be among the gifted to recognize that change is just part of our existence and every wrong calculation just requires reexamination of the equation.  We all make poor or unfortunate choices but I only regret the following mistakes:  1) those that hurt others; 2) those that I didn’t learn from; and 3) those that caused me to quit because I didn’t readjust my thinking to pursue what still could have been achieved had I just tried differently.

So maybe nothing is really lost until we stop searching until the last sunrise has passed out of our final vision.  Maybe the answers will be different than hoped for but then again, what did we surprisingly discover and lovingly cherish about ourselves and our lives?  What I find new about me each day makes me hopeful that I may have another to get closer to what I wish for, regardless of how it ultimately turns out.

Maximize Potential Greatness By Taking The Simplest Risks – Request To My Sons (a favorite)

12 Tuesday May 2015

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10/24/14

“The biggest risk is not taking any risk. In a world that is changing really quickly, the only strategy that is guaranteed to fail is not taking any risks.” – Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook Founder)

There are two types of people I don’t understand.  The first are those that fail to do ANYTHING because they’re convinced that by doing SOMETHING, they risk the unlikelihood of the worst possible results regardless of the likelihood of the best possible outcomes.  Other than in extreme situations such as failing to get out of the path of a moving vehicle or unhealthy physical or emotional addictions, the odds are generally in your favor.  This is more so true during the evolution of your youth when time is more available to maximize the transference of dreams to reality if you exercise the proper amount of risks verses rewards application.

The second are those individuals that fail to do something because of the misguided belief that nothing will happen.  Really???  How will you ever know if you don’t risk something to gain something, and even in the remote chance that “nothing” happens, what have you really lost?  At least you’ll know, and more importantly you’ll find whether it was the quality of the effort that led to the lack of results.  More importantly, you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised with the anticipated results and more magically amazed at what occurs beyond your expectations.  You are not experienced or know enough to measure how people and circumstances react by simply taking some form of action on your behalf which by the way is the one thing you can control.

The news gives us hourly examples of the violence, disease, hunger, and suffering that exists in our world and I am neither entertained or fascinated by it.  However I do generate a great deal of sympathy for those caught in the crosshairs of all of those tragedies and inspiration in those that overcome them.

I really have a great amount of sympathy for those who want to be “chicken little” and walk around predicting the sky is falling, or those who view weather changes as a precursor to the next “big” catastrophic event.  I’m sure it can be quite a solitary existence to walk through a pasture of negativity having only to show for their efforts the cow excrement on the bottom of their shoes after all those journeys.  What is more baffling is the morbid satisfaction they feel in the rare moments that their dire predictions come true.  Such a sad existence when you think of all the opportunities in life that are missed or ignored by this consistent way of thinking!  How right can they feel being wrong so much?  So, so sad!

Things happen for a reason but there are few good things that happen for no reason.  I cannot stand the phrase “it was meant to be” because it undervalues our contribution and production of the required efforts.  Moreover “fate” does not apply when it’s used to justify our poor choices and efforts or worse, our lack of decisiveness and action.

If you weren’t my children, I would at a maximum give you empathy but would avoid your admission into my world as it exists now.  However since you are my sons (you too Coley), my roots and experience won’t allow that!  My duty as your father and obligations to my parents’ name just won’t allow it though you needlessly and stubbornly test my patience and “unwavering” support.

So stop the mindless crap you’re doing and “get your mind right” to do the things that need to be done NOW!  You older boys are getting ready to go to college and join the workforce in some manner.  Do you think college recruiters, scouts, and future employers give a damn about how many friends, followers, and likes you have on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook unless it’s Mark Zuckerberg!  Every minute you spend texting people while not communicating with the people who can alter your future is one more minute lost and possibly replaced by someone else’s efforts.  Most of the things that you need to do only take a few minutes anyways so how hard is it to to invest in that time for something you’d love to have happen for you?!?!?

I’m older so maybe you might think I have a right (I don’t) to bitch and be negative about the dreams that weren’t fulfilled.  “F” no!  They just changed shape or were replaced by others that came true.  Why is the guy who tested life’s boundaries a year ago and had to battle through the most difficult challenges on his own having to yell at and preach to you?  I’d prefer not to scream because the message gets lost in the volume, and it upsets my own sense of harmony and rhythm.

Do not be swayed by those who defuse youthful optimism and positivity behind the costume of being “realistic”, “practical”, and “sensible” since it generally an attempt to mask their past shortcomings or lack of appreciation of the dreams you can achieve.

You are gifted but should not be waiting for “gifts”.  Rather you should be doing something to earn “rewards” from what you can achieve if you really do more than just want it.  Stop procrastinating and the “overthinking” about things you do not have the ability or knowledge to predict.  Just take a risk and “roll the dice”.  Trust me, the best things in this life happen not through accident, luck, or fate!  Each thing you see for yourself can happen if YOU start by taking a step or two in that direction.  Your parents really get tired of pushing you and we really shouldn’t have to!  Multiply all your competitive juices and maximize potential greatness by taking the simplest risks.  Failure is not knowing had you just tried!

What Counts in Baseball – Thoughts to the Boys

09 Saturday May 2015

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8/2/14

“Not everything that’s counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted.”

Who knew that Albert Einstein knew so much about baseball!

You have to remember that there have been MLB mvp’s that were not prototypical power or high average hitters.  There have been exceptional role players who were so excellent in doing their roles that they were the catalyst behind the overall performance of their team, even if the numbers by themselves were unremarkable, ie, defense, base running, situational hitting, leadership.

With that being said, remember this:  On defense make all the routine plays, make the exceptional plays look routine, and have the incredible plays soon taken for granted because you make them so frequently.  Hit or throw through your cut off, don’t make needless throws that can cost a run or put a man in scoring position, think about “plan B” in a double play you can’t turn with men on first and second and see if the guy rounding third might deserve a quick throw.  In fact always think about reasonable options because if the ball is in your hand, you determine when the play is over.

Strive to make each at-bat productive and not something exciting to the average baseball fan.  True baseball fans, scouts, and coaches, know the difference and the importance of an executed bunt, hit-and-run, sacrifice fly, and perfectly placed ground balls to move runners into scoring position or scoring them from third.

When running the bases, keep looking to take the extra base until the play is actually over, not when you assume it is since you should be the last one to relax because you just might find the the defense sleeping.   Don’t take unnecessary chances to be exciting and run into an out when you should be subtle and let the guys behind you do their job.

When pitching, everyone loves strikeouts and hard fastballs but strategically pitched ground ball outs or double-play balls are just as effective and generally require less pitches.  Radar guns do not say anything about location or the makeup of the pitcher that out battles and out thinks the batters.

Remember its the final result that dictates the winner.  Think about how you can contribute to the outcome whether you set the table or clear it – either way think about the situation and what you can do to improve upon it, setting all personal stats aside.  Those who are watching and may have an interest in how your baseball future proceeds will take note of both.

Again, “Not everything that’s counted counts and not everything that counts can be counted.”  The final score is the ultimate measurement!

What’s Ahead of Christian – Message to My Youngest

04 Monday May 2015

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11/7/14

“Keep on beginning and failing.  Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose … not the one you began with perhaps, but one you’ll be glad to remember.”

Failure doesn’t occur until the moment you stop trying.  Even worse is if you never risk making any attempt or effort at all because it may damage what is only our ego and/or vanity – sadly that only means we’re too timid to test our courage and determination.  Such a mindset is the most tragic because it serves as a better measure of our character and future direction but then again, if there was never an attempt for success, there’s no failure to compare it to and I suppose there’s a false security in that for those who choose such an approach.

I guess for many people, there’s some safety and resulting comfort in never exploring beyond the limited aspirations they’ve set forth because there’s too much uncertainty in the unknown.  That’s probably a blissful and comfortable existence but for me, I just have an overwhelming desire to satisfy my curiosity, especially about things that challenge the fulfillment of what I want.

As I often do, I look back at everything good and bad that’s occurred in my life and the one essential part of the equation leading to the results of all those things has been one ingredient – ME.  Did you know in high school I only applied to one college, USC, and that was for a couple of reasons.  It’s the only place I wanted to go and, my family didn’t have a lot of money for me to fill out too many college applications.  My grades were decent but I’m pretty sure I was accepted because I wrote a “kick-ass” application letter about why they should accept me and as you know, they did.  However countering that, I also thought I’d be in love forever so that among other things canceled out my plans for USC at the time with the hope I would go there at a later time.  Interesting choice on my part at the time and we all know where that thought led me but then again, I would not have found Mom and I have no regrets about the alternative outcome.

I also wanted to go to law school and while there, I honestly wasn’t at the top of my class because I knew the real prize was the bar exam and balancing working full-time, a (very) active social life, and a girlfriend who would be my wife, stretched my resources rather thin during the four years I was there.  However after graduating, that’s when I shifted gears to study for the exam and passed it the first time around when 60-70% of others didn’t with some never passing even after multiple attempts.  To this day I’m not sure how that happened because as I’ve mentioned before, I found out that my father had terminal cancer the night before the exam began and it would have been understandable had I been too distracted to pass.  Maybe divine intervention since he passed a month afterwards or I was lucky but then again, I doubt it!

The next major goal occurred after Jason was born.  I was determined to invest in being a decent Dad while choosing a profession that challenges that intention so I looked for a job close to home, even though the best jobs were in LA and OC.  I didn’t know “squat” about South Bay law firms but sent about 20 letters and resumes to the most interesting ones and I guess based on the way it was written, my future boss called me and after what I assume was an impressive enough interview to BS my way into getting hired, got a job at one of the best firms in So Cal and later became a partner which is supposed to be every lawyers dream.   It was not as big of a deal after a while but at least I did it which few could say.  And I got to be a bigger part of not only Jason’s life but thankfully, yours!  Maybe I was lucky but doubt it!

Christian, we’re alike in so many ways and maybe it’s in large part due to the time we’ve spent together since my injury and there is no precise value that could measure how grateful I am about the moments that has led us to the relationship that we now share.  Some people are afraid to walk beyond what they can see because of fear of the unknown.  Me, I just have to know and then respond accordingly and I see you building your confidence each day that reflects a similar approach.

Some don’t want to run in bare feet on a gravel path towards the places they want to get to because they’re afraid of falling, the cuts and bruises they’ll suffer, the dirt, etc.  That’s just not a justifiable reason for me not to get there.  I carry the bloodstains and scratches like a badge of honor because it means I didn’t give up even though things weren’t as smooth as I hoped for and made me more confident about the next journey ahead.  I guess it’s just not within us to quit or sit still when there’s something that we feel is worth having.

It took a tortuous path that led to my injury but I guess it was just me testing a different kind of curiosity but so began a different journey that I mapped out.  Was everything as smooth as I hoped for – of course not but at least I didn’t just imagine what was out there because I had to find out.  I like obstacles because I enjoy the challenge of overcoming them, especially when I know the rarity of others being able to do it.  Even just falling short doesn’t feel as disappointing if I at least exhausted all I had for things to result the way they did and in the end, I took something from it.

What’s pretty cool is that even though I had varying amounts of support (sometimes not a lot compared to you), all of the above were accomplished because of ME and I needed no greater incentive than what I created and demanded.  Ownership of my life without excuses has made it easier to accept my shortcomings (along with accomplishments) without deflecting responsibility.

If something can’t be done, make sure that you are the one to determine what it is, with every avenue explored to make that determination.  Remember that those who say you can’t do something generally never had the courage or confidence to try themselves, or just stopped pushing themselves without realizing how close they were had they kept trying a few more times.  When you do it, they’ll probably say you were lucky but I doubt it since you’re already showing that you understand that there is little reason for doubt when it comes to YOU!