28 Tuesday Jul 2015
Posted in Hope, Looking forward
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(Photo Contributed By Marlena Groomer)
“Sometimes it seems like the odds are that things won’t work out the way you wish they would. But if the right opportunity presents itself at the right time and you act on it, there’s always a better chance that it well. Just “act on it” or that opportunity will soon pass and be taken away and what you worried about “not working out” absolutely never had the chance anyway! Your choice.” – Joe Dicochea (Dad)
21 Tuesday Jul 2015
Posted in Baseball Equals Life, Looking forward
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5/6/15
“Thinking: the talking of the soul with itself.”
— Plato
This is part of a longer message that will be forthcoming but I wanted to send it to you boys before your game today. I know you guys already use “trigger” words to center your minds in preparation for each competition. Like every athlete, you begin the internal conversations within yourself before you enter the arena to either reinforce the confidence you have in your ability to perform as you expect, or to strengthen the resolve that you will rise above any challenge that presents itself so that you will prevail over your competition.
I just suggest when these conversations occur in this or any aspects of your life, have your thoughts be gentle and kind so that you reduce any conflicts with your mind and soul. Let them speak in rhythm and in unison so that they communicate efficiently and productively so your body understands their general intent. You will be able to see what is in front of you more clearly, feel that the moment is part of you, and in some way you have control of it rather than the other way around.
So keep these words in mind as you mentally prepare for what you will soon encounter. “You will never speak to anyone more than you speak to yourself in your head, so be kind…”
16 Thursday Jul 2015
Posted in Reflection
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2/5/14
I was thinking about the marriage vows people acknowledge and take at their weddings. I kind of equate it to what patients here when told about the benefits and risks associated with surgery. Studies show that 50% of patients don’t recall hearing the risks discussed with them after those complications occur. I’m pretty sure that most husbands and wives don’t focus on the “for worse, poorer, sickness, death, etc” aspects of the vows because the vast potential of unthinkable challenges aren’t designed to be contemplated and truly comprehended at the newlywed stage.
Maybe what should be included in the vows is “through and beyond unrealistic expectations, unbridled optimism, and uncontrolled naivety” along with so many other blissful products of our early imagination! I mean, are we really ready to accept that there is nothing that we can truly predict that will ultimately test the boundaries of life together no matter how hopeful we are at the outset?
I wonder how many soon-to-be married couples, if presented with the potential issues that life has waiting for them, would actually stand before God and accept the unforeseeable problems in store that will be measured along with the undefinable happiness. There will certainly be no solace in knowing that other couples are facing their own unique obstacles and circumstances that test the fabric of their own existence because separate principals that form the basis of each individual story dictates so many different and unfathomable endings.
The bottom line I guess is that we know to the best of our ability that the person you look across from under the eyes of God is the one you can weather just about any storm that arises. Life is not perfect as much as we would like it be and more frustrating, we are not perfect no matter how we measure ourselves.
I know that we have been at times weakened under the weight of the vows we promised to keep but in the end, I’m glad you have been with me as my wife with your hand still resting on mine. You are by no means perfect (nor am I) but you are perfect for me even after all we have been through and all this time. You may not have anticipated the path we would ultimately take but it has certainly been one “hell of a ride” through better, worse, and all in-between, and neither one of us could dispute that conclusion, you know?
13 Monday Jul 2015
Posted in Hope, Reflection
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(Redondo Marina)
11/9/14 “Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.”
Perfection is the ideal but the perfect result may be entirely different. The fabric of our identity is not defined by what we envision but the difficulties that we will ultimately have to confront to get to where we end up.
We struggle too often with our expectations and what we feel we deserve which sometimes is masked behind feelings of entitlement. Quoting a line from an old movie, “deserving has got nothing to do with it” or at least our perception of it. Do you really think that God has children born into starving countries or impoverished communities because they deserve it? That doesn’t make sense and the simple answers as to why it happens is that “I don’t know”, and “it’s not for me to know”. Thinking about “why them”, and “why not me”, is as perplexing when things are not going well for us and we form the questions “why me” and “why not them?” Same simple answers.
Ask any adult with some years behind them if everything has turned out the way they dreamed whether you want to pin it down on a personal, professional, family, social, physical, creative, or emotional level. The initial goals and aspirations were based on an ideal yet inexperienced vision of perfection. The better question is to ask them to compare those dreams to what turned out “perfect” and why. I’m pretty sure it will be different yet harder to define.
Here’s a perfect example. Ask this other question to any adult who’s ever faced the challenge of raising a child well, or been married an extended period of time if this reality ever set in: I knew this wasn’t going to be easy but I didn’t know it was going to be this hard!
We understand the basic reasons as to “why” but figuring out the intricate causes that separated our results from another’s with similar circumstance is perplexing. I mean why did Brian Piccolo (“Brian’s Song) die in his 20’s from lung cancer after never smoking, and others live into their 90’s after smoking a pack a day? Why did my best friend’s car get struck by a drunk driver and he was the one who died? How does a younger, healthier person suffer a head injury/bleed, seizure, and die or end up incapacitated, and I survive with a better than expected recovery? It troubles me but its better off left to “I don’t know”, and “it’s not important for me to know” since I guess “deserving has got nothing to do with it.”
All unfortunate things happen for a reason whether we may not always understand why at the time. Sometimes the weight that drags our hearts down takes us to where we need to be. By being there, we may not find what we want but we can better identify what we don’t want, what we don’t need, what we don’t want to happen, and where we don’t want to be again. We have a better understanding of our large and small successes in the past, and how misguided we were to think we were entitled to more. Most importantly, we learn how to measure success differently so that the fruits of our efforts are hopefully better appreciated when we see them again.
Trust me, something does come from what may seem like “nothing” at the time. It’s only temporary even though we may feel like we’re wasting away under the fatigue. I’ve accepted that our lives, when stripped to their basics, can make the solutions less complex than they need to be and only complicated by what we feel we are owed from how much we despaired.
Don’t lose hope because success begins from any amount of optimism. Feeling alone is only a condition of the situation, not a product of our overall circumstances. Beyond those near us, there are 7 billion people on this planet that should convince us that we’ll never be alone. Chances are that we’re closer than we know to where we want and “deserve” to be, so slow down, breathe, and take better steps based on what we’ve learned and where we’ve been!
10 Friday Jul 2015
Posted in Finding Happiness, Kindness, Reflection
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Family, Inspiration, Joy, Life, Peace
Deb and Jason – Two Of The Kindest People I Know (Cooperstown, 2014)
(originally posted 3/7/15)
2/19/15
“I arise full of eagerness and energy, knowing well what achievement lies ahead of me.”
— Zane Grey
I’ve written in the past that I have three major goals that I want to accomplish in the 24 hours that I’m accountable for each day. First, I want to wake up with my wife and sons safely under the same roof. Second, I want to rest assured that the same three are safely falling asleep under that same roof. Finally, I don’t go to sleep each night until I’ve formulated a goal or a plan for the next day. Generally it’s nothing extravagant and usually something so simple that they are barely negligible to others unless they knew what my personal objectives are which for the most part, I keep to myself. Oftentimes they invoke the simplest thought of reaching out in some kind and productive manner to someone whose path I come across who might take something away from such an interaction. As part of that goal, and an even greater challenge, is to openly allow someone to reach out to me and then leave that exchange with something tangible that has bettered my day. It’s usually not difficult once I eliminate the complexity of my expectations and let my soul play a larger part in the determination of what I’ve shared and thereafter, whatever I’ve received in return.
It’s best to elaborate on this topic by what I’ve recognized and have to remind myself as I begin each day. The most important thing I’ve essentially eliminated from my lexicon is the fascination with the idea of “karma”. I figure that if “bad people” continually cheat, do immoral or even criminal things to satisfy their desires, the law of averages generally catch up with them at some point and they have to answer to some authority for such practices. When that occurs, they end up paying for the consequences of their actions at a level that no amount of remorse or regret will ever fully mollify those who suffered from them. Taking liberties with words of a U2 song, I don’t like leaving things up to “karma” when I’d rather take care of those things first on my own! Lacking pacifism, I’m not one to rely on “fate” or “karma” as the great equalizers on matters that I can rectify through the exercise of my own capabilities.
Now to “karma” serving as the center point for how the accumulation of our good actions will be eventually rewarded if our expectations are not met at the outset. If that mindset is needed to fortify the quality of someone’s further benevolence, then it would be irresponsible to discourage that approach because the potential end result is still extrinsically fruitful and should be applauded.
But again removing “karma” from my thought process, I’ve adjusted my mentality following my injury because of where I began and what I had available to begin with when thinking back to those early days. I guess when stripped down to basic resources with a lot of time to appreciate them, I became much more aware of certain simple truths (at least to me) that formulated a more fluid, albeit elementary, pathway to satisfying some understandable objectives.
I was certainly thankful of what I still had left as opposed to what could have been taken from me so I feel a lot of gratitude about that along with gratitude for most people and things around me. I’m certain that’s why I became more expressive of the happiness and kindness that circled within my whole being to the point I felt I’d explode if I didn’t express it – I still feel that way if you can’t tell.
But I realized something to counter whatever rewards I used to expect in return for my actions and it is this: the kindness and happiness coupled with the actions shared are the rewards and THAT IS IT – NOTHING MORE! I do not expect or demand anything beyond that because how can I ask anything other than the peaceful communication of the wealth within my soul with my spirit, mind, and body? Anything in addition in response is just a welcome benefit or perk that I am thankful for as I reflect upon all things at the end of the day! If I share a smile, the reward is that I have a genuine reason to smile and if that’s the return, who am I to demand something that complicates the feelings behind that smile by including additional demands. I think we can agree there are fewer greater emotions and expressions than those based on genuine love for someone or something. The complexities occur as we struggle with the “how’s”, “what’s”, and “why’s”, behind what we believe we should receive in return. I guess the best advice is to never get to far away from the basic reasons behind those feelings and expressions because it’s easy to lose track of them due to our penchant for setting forth conditions on the expected return on the exchange. “True love” of anything is so wonderful because of the instantaneous and intrinsic gifts it provides! After that we essentially have to navigate through love on our own through its evolving complexities without hopefully losing its essential makeup. For me, I find it easier to recognize and add up the consistent simple gestures that come my way rather than rely on mandated grand gestures to measure the return on the affection I invested. That’s just me though since I’m easily confused these days.
As I get to the end, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to Deb since she won an unexpected (at least in her view) award in New York for Corporate Social Responsibility from an industry group, Women in Toys. Deb explained it to me and the boys what the award was about but once she said there was no money involved in the award and didn’t include us for a shout out in her acceptance speech, our interest gradually waned. Just kidding (well kind of) but it’s essentially for the non-profit and philanthropic work she does as part of her job at Mattel which is so multifaceted that the family has lost track or forgot what it all entails. But here’s the point! In talking with Deb about this particular acknowledgement of her efforts, she’s so humble about it because like I’ve alluded to above, the actual reward for the work she does is the kindness and generosity she honestly feels that are behind the actions that resulted in this award as well others before this one. I see (and she might too) the recognition she so rightfully receives are just the perks for essentially being the person she is and doing the most exquisite and correct things with the job that she has and for that my friends, she deserves applause!
I’ll end with reference to a story I mentioned before when Christian told me “Dad, I feel really good about myself… I don’t know why, I just do!” When we get to that stage for whatever organic reasons, I think we just need to enjoy it, share it without any expectations, and be thankful that for however long it lasts, we got to experience and express it! Karma, if you believe it exists, is not obligated to reward you for anything beyond that because that is a gift in itself.
04 Saturday Jul 2015
Posted in Finding Happiness, Reflection
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Photo contributed by Marlena Groomer
7/2/15
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
I was starting to write this and “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker popped into my headphones and as one of the most spiritually lifting songs in my music catalogue, it seemed appropriate for this discussion. Now let me be clear when I refer to “love” throughout this discourse. I’m not even remotely referring to the love that arises romantically between two people. That’s unique with too many facets and intangibles between two connected individuals and it still remains a mystery of sorts to me, even when I over-analyze and over-evaluate that subject as I approach the 22nd year of marriage to Deb. As far as that love is concerned without attempting to describe it, I’m sure there’s a special wing in the afterlife reserved for her for having the patience and understanding to put up with me that long because it’s not always simple when two people travel together.
But getting back to the “love” that I think Dr. King refers to or at least my my take on it and how my understanding of it has been woven into my life. I’ve written quite a bit about the transformation of sorts and rediscovery that’s occurred since my injury and how I’ve expressed a better comprehension of the love I needed to afford myself, those around me whether biologically or geographically, and degrees of love I needed to afford the basic elements in or near my life.
I do use as a starting point to frequently telling Deb, Jason, and Christian that “I love” them and it’s not because I feel obligated due to my title as husband and father to do so, but because it’s a passionate response as a result of the relationship I have forged with them and I couldn’t control it if I wanted to (which I don’t). Interestingly and due in part to my upbringing, I have a habit of telling others of varying degrees of friendship and familiarity that “I love” them and although it’s certainly not with the intensity of how I feel about the three aforementioned Dicos, it is no less an emotion resulting from what is generated at the moment towards that person because of the improvement they have made during that portion of my life. Love in return? I’ve never been sure what I’m entitled to in response and I’m better off not gravitating towards “hard and true” expectations but feeling strongly about anything in the direction of “love” clearly surpasses any of the contrary emotions that guide me towards whatever darkness that could erode my better existence! I just like letting people know of those feelings rather than keeping it to myself that their presence has made extremely more than a negligible difference in my life, I’m personally better for it, and I’ll leave it’s interpretation in the hands of the recipient to use as they see fit.
Now to be clear, anyone who knows me would never make the assertion that I express “love” for everything that happens in my life, or “love” about the totality of each person that surrounds me and those I have come across. By virtue of me being “me” with my own personal tastes, preferences, and varying tolerance for certain traits, some things eventually fall into the category of “less than loved”, under-appreciated, or tangentially annoying over time. I’m sure there may be a more tactful presentation of the foregoing blunt characterization but in lieu of an apology, I’ll just attribute this translucent honesty as a product of my age and brain injury.
However there is a precursor to whatever final conclusion is reached in my individual dealings and exploration of people and things so bear with me for a bit longer and I’ll start with this quote that I think is as spectacular in its message and presentation as the one by Dr. King. “Keep love in your heart. A life is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and a richness to life that nothing else can bring. Who, being loved, is poor?” – Oscar Wilde
It takes work, patience, and restraint at times and I frequently have to catch myself (sometimes unsuccessfully) to avoid succumbing to an abundance of my own human shortcomings to utilize the “love” that keeps me rich in this life, and avoid the alternative “darkness” that is waiting to assert itself. I somewhat rely on a basic approach when possible to absorb my surroundings and what they can potentially mean to me if even momentarily.
I have before me each day a gift of 1,440 minutes and there are generally static elements that I awake to with the comfort of knowing that love for and from them will continue to surround me absent any traumatic disruption in the forces that bond us together. But by freeing and opening up myself to not just my normal routine but also the unexpected elements that present themselves, I’ve afforded myself the opportunity, possibility, and increased the probability that I will discover different aspects of “love” that can be so readily available in a life that is too magnificent to habitually ignore. It seems that the further I lean in that direction, the farther I distance myself from patterns that lead to the intractable management of more undesirable feelings and their manifestations.
The beauty of parts of our humanity is due to the fact that we are able to experience a wide gauntlet of emotions although it is rare that we entirely become masters of them no matter how diligently we attempt to keep them cornered. How often is it that we are immersed in moments where we attempt to command the sensations of heart and mind so they somehow correspond to both the adulation and criticism directed our way?
Still I’m fairly confident that it boils down to a choice of how we approach each day. Oftentimes they don’t end up as perfect as we hoped for but I’ve never been sure of the number of guaranteed outcomes we’re entitled to even when we think our best efforts have been made. Still, we can better define how most days develop for ourselves and the proportionate amounts of “love” that can be summoned from all things gently explainable and even those supremely mysterious.
And so it goes that “the way you perceive and react to the world is a choice.” – David Foster Wallace. And if given that choice, wouldn’t it be better that our expressions be symptomatic of emotions more associated with anything resembling “love” that reflect the brightness surrounding the beauty we can be behold, as opposed to anything diametrically different that darkens the best of each of those particular aspects. It seems like a logical choice once I get past the illogical distractions and given the alternatives that could erode them, I’ll just try to seek and express the “love” that lightens all those things that continue to surround me!
