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(With Christian Years Back)

4/6/16

“Life gets so much more precious, when there’s less of it to waste”. – Bonnie Raitt

It just occurred to me that one year ago at this time, I was in the ER after two unexpected grand mal seizures that occurred while driving that happened literally seconds after I pulled over with Christian in the car knowing something wasn’t right.  Luckily Christian, all of 13 years-old, stayed calm and got me the help I needed during the time I was traveling amidst the haze of these developments, finding myself on the curb with paramedics treating me and Deb at my side.

So in thinking back as I shared with Christian today, had he not been in the car with me when I was seeing the auras that at the time I didn’t understand we’re precursors to the seizures I was soon to experience, I might not have pulled over seconds before they occurred.  So in a sense Christian saved my life that day by his presence, just like all of you have each done so many times before when it sometimes been so f’ing hard to do so on my own on more occasions than I’ve ever let you or anyone else know because that’s never been my way in this life of mine, or I just can’t remember all the countless times over the years those moments have almost struck me down, you know?  I’m supposed to be strong enough or so it has seemed throughout most of my life as a result of the way my parents raised and continuously demonstrated to me, and I guess I’m still here on this earth because of it.

So what’s it mean?  Well if Christian hadn’t been there giving me the awareness that I had to protect him and pull over, I would not have been there to see Jason’s game that night in Irvine (after a great deal of persuasion and begging to get the doctors to discharge me from the hospital), the one last night, and all the ones in between; or seen Christian’s game last Saturday or everyone in between; or even be here as Mom reaches the 46th year of her life after knowing her for all of them other than the sixteen years before those.

I know things are not as centered as I’d/we’d always wish but I wonder had it been my time to join my parents at this time last year, or when my appendix ruptured in October and went untreated for a week, or my first falls in 2013 that led to a traumatic brain injury and first seizures that I somehow recovered from when there was some doubt that I would, or the recent second fall where I would have bled out had I not been found unconscious, or just those times I tripped over myself and couldn’t get out of my head, what would have been missed or lost by us had it been my time to leave this earthly existence, or stop fighting and just give up, which is seemingly the same thing in my mind.  It’s impossible to know or imagine but I’m here with hope, optimism, and love as always as each day continues to present itself, even on certain days when life challenges my faith in its meaning.  All I can do is thank you and be grateful for being there and giving me sustaining breaths when the air was almost taken away from me way too many times since you’ve been part of my life, and in a sense all of us!

Upon quiet reflection and in looking back which is hard because it gives rise to some temporal pain with the honesty, it seems the last few (maybe several) years are an illustration of persistence through the good and epic chapters we’ve written but especially the tougher ones but boy, it’s hard to argue with what’s occurred, been overcome, and ultimately been achieved to date that I’ve been blessed to be a part of with so much more I could ever dream of or imagine.  With that said, I’ll end with this quote:  “There is no such thing as a quantum leap.  There is only dogged persistence – and in the end you make it look like a quantum leap.” – James Dyson

I love you all!  Thank you for letting me share because I’m sometimes not strong enough to hold it in – more temporal honesty there.

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