“In reflecting on the times of my life, it occurs to me that the difficult, arduous experiences always pass, or at least wane to a tolerable level. On the other hand, thankfully, the positive, uplifting aspects of my life journey seem to hold strong and steady throughout, as long as I appreciate and nurture them.” – David L. Weatherford
So here’s what I’ve learned and better understand about all that has happened in my life. All those times that I once thought were one of the worst times in my life eventually just became parts of it and nowhere near the calamities and catastrophes I though they were. It just seems that the natural evolution of time provides a resolution for the past and better context for the future.
The difficulties in our lives certainly have an impact on it and the quality in how we will continue to live it afterwards. Part of that is dependent on how we continue to perceive those difficulties and how long we allow them to exercise control over every day that occurs after them. To me it seems we have to forge a relationship between the acceptance of what has occurred and that in time, the eventuality they will fade in the background and reside in the past where they belong. I’m not saying they should be forgotten because that’s not realistic but as I’ve said before, “don’t give light to the past”, when we should remain resolute to working with the hope and promise of better days ahead of us because they are truly out their. Their visibility is entirely dependent on whether our eyes and mind process what is in front of us and not hampered by that which cannot be changed.
Here is a personal example. Both my parents died 20 years ago within the span of 10 months. I’m still not sure which was more painful; witnessing their battles with cancer during the 4 years leading to their deaths, or dealing with the actual loss following their passing. The former still allowed me additional time with them but with the trade off of having them suffer through indescribable pain as they fought for those extra days. The latter gave them freedom from that pain when they decided they’d had enough and in a sense it gave me peace as well, until the realization set in that they were forever lost, at least in my earthly existence. I still don’t know which one was more severe but by any measure it was the worst time of my life no matter what internal and external coping mechanisms I exercised to minimize it.
In undertaking various philosophies and advice on how to grieve, I found in due course that all I needed was time for personal reflection, perspective, and the realization that I was fortunate for the time I had with them. If broken down on simple and natural levels, I accepted that this was the normal and inevitable sequence of generational events. Although distinguishable from others in the details, it was inevitable that they would pass before me and I was fortunate for how I remember them and how they live within almost everything I do, see, and feel.
In time I realized that it was not so much healing from their loss but getting on with the investment in myself, people, and things, that deserved and required my attention. I had so much at the time but the void left behind was eventually filled by Jason, Christian, and so many other changes in my world that grew to be just as meaningful because they became part of my “NOW” and “TOMORROWS”. Given their importance in how I continue to define and find significance in the life I still lead, it became critical to keep pace with them rather than wallow unnecessarily over losses and moments that are better left where they should remain. Otherwise whatever influence and contributions that my family and others may benefit from would be rendered obsolete with the passage of time.
A lot of people refer to life as a journey and by all means it is, or at least it should be. But for anything to qualify as a “journey”, there needs to be some progression and movement towards a destination; otherwise we remain ships adrift without sails or dry docked in the ports of call that we restrict ourselves too for convenience and safety. That is of course until the next hurricane, typhoon, or other natural calamity strikes and the only hope is to weather them and repair the damage that results. For me, I’m more interested in getting to where I want and need to be and would rather sail through and around them as opposed to remaining stationary and risk being beaten into submission.
I understand that God is behind some of the potentially disruptive forces we will undoubtedly encounter. However I honestly believe He still gives us the choice to step around many of those that can and should be avoided, and move beyond the others once the dust has settled and we are given greater clarity to continue on with our journey.
So we have to be aware that there will be times when we will be temporarily slowed or even stopped dead in our tracks depending on the severity of what was hurled our way or tragically taken from us. Still we have to remember that while we repair, reassemble, and regroup from those things that challenge us, other parts of our life move on without the same hesitation and at times, demanding and screaming for our attention and care.
If I ever need the motivation and inspiration to escape any sorrow I feel for myself, all I do is think of my friend Dee Dee. To lose her husband to cancer with infant and toddler sons who were too young to understand the loss she carried each day forward and still raise them remarkably, I have neither the words or insight to describe the tribulations she must have worked through. People liberally exercise the adjective “heroes” and “heroines” to mundane achievements but Dee Dee is on any scale absolutely and unequivocally one of mine and her sons, Cole and Brice, I hope she is one of yours! Maybe like my parents, our children along with what was discovered and added along the way became our salvation. Oh have I mentioned before that I “f’ing hate cancer”!
So when life changes through addition or subtraction and it seems like the challenges to recover from them are insurmountable, they’re not! The seeds have been or will be planted to grow from those moments. And with hope, effort, and time, the pain will eventually fade and our lives will soon bask in the happiness of the quality, quantity, and beauty that replaces those moments if we exercise our capacity to appreciate and enjoy them. There are only two things that can be taken that matter. The first is when our last heartbeat is extinguished on this earth and that is decided by God. The second is when all hope, faith, and joy in living is surrendered and that is extinguished by ourselves.
Last quote and I hope you got through the lengthy dialogue above because this is the message I’m trying to convey. “In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change, lies our happiness and freedom.” – Buddha
It’s an unpredictable life but oh, what a rich one it always can be!