Monthly Archives: September 2016

Making A Great Life – Thoughts For My Sons

21 Wednesday Sep 2016

Posted by in Confessional, Finding Happiness, Hope, Looking forward, Reflection

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(Originally Posted 6/14)
10/9/14

“Be willing to have it so.  Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

I really view those who choose to blame their lack of achievement or success on their surroundings, circumstances, or others as extremely disheartening.  As I’ve said before, I do not view fate or luck as having an overwhelming impact on the results in our lives.

Let me begin with this genuine assessment of my 52 years on this planet. I have had a GREAT life!  Has every day been great?  Of course not nor were they supposed to be!  Have I always lived or decided well?  Nope!  Has everything gone just the way I dreamt or hoped it would be?  Maybe I thought it would when I was younger but now I know that my actions or lack of actions played a big part in that – still I’ve achieved a lot.  So, would I change anything?  NOT REALLY!  Why?  First, my life is a product of my creation so I own it!  Second, I can’t!

I will point out a few of the significant events in my life that have had the biggest impact.  Losing my best friend David to a car accident when I was 15; losing my parents in a way through the buildup to their divorce and then, for good when they died in the same year; and, of course my first relationship and our eventual breakup.

I don’t view any of these as obstacles because although unique in their timing, sequence, and description, they are generally similar and maybe less in severity to what others encounter.  They were just challenges that were personal to my own existence which had to be addressed, accepted, and overcome.

Certainly they affected me emotionally when they happened and at least with David and my parents, I’m still left with their loss.  However with respect to Dave, I felt a measure of comfort when I won the first scholarship set up in his name for our baseball team and through Jason who carries his middle name.

Regarding Mom and Dad, I won’t say it was easy regarding what happened between them, and to them, and I probably didn’t grieve correctly for awhile after their passing but who does, especially when they passed ten months apart?  In looking back, I know they loved me, gave me all that was available to them, and I love them to this day for what they gave and taught me through their lives and even up to their deaths (courage, strength, and nobility).  Now I share so much about them with my sons, and see so much of my parents in them though they never met.  Most importantly, I think I’ve accomplished enough in the past (despite some shortcomings) and even more so now to honor their names and make them proud of who I am – I probably should have done more while they we’re here but I’m guessing they’re satisfied with the results as they look over me and my family.

Oh heck, I just remembered that the 20th anniversary of mom’s loss is coming up tomorrow but I’ll greet that day with a smile since good memories are stored and she wouldn’t have it any other way.  Sorry, it just occurred to me!

With respect to my early relationship, she was a meaningful learning part of my past as first loves are.  Despite the best parts of myself that I learned, two of MY decisions had unfortunate consequences.  First, I made the choice to delay and ultimately forego going to USC leading to a more lengthy and formidable journey towards becoming a lawyer.  Guess I thought I had all the time in the world!  Second, when we decided to take our first lengthy break, it probably should have been our only one since the final one three years later was for the same reasons but hurt 10 times worse.  I guess I thought I had all the time in the world and it turns out, I didn’t!

It’s somewhat surprising that my injury last year really doesn’t strike me as one of the worst parts of my life even though it surely started out that way.  I would imagine that it’s probably one of the worst moments of Deb’s life and probably the boys.  I guess it’s because I remember little about the initial events and generally recall only when I started fighting whether with the doctors or unfortunately Deb.  However once I accepted the challenge, I fought for myself to the point I could eventually fight for you and by your side during your most difficult missteps and struggles.  It has been difficult to support the battles you’ve chosen in spite of yourself but I’ll be there to help you up when you fall since most of those battles unfortunately are disabling and hopefully only temporarily.  All I know is this year truly revealed the depth of the best part of my makeup, character, perseverance, and courage.  By almost losing my life, I rediscovered and saved it and in some ways, the lives closest to me.

Now getting to the point!  You older boys are starting to (or hopefully are) realize that you don’t have all the time in the world.  Sitting with your “smartphone” and waiting for things to happen isn’t very “smart”.  You may have already had a taste of the following:  Opportunities that are presented to you if not appreciated and acted upon eventually pass and introduce themselves to someone else.  Dreams you imagined for yourself, if left unattended, are picked up up by others and become the foundation of their dreams.  When you have a choice and make either the obvious wrong choice or no choice, your goals will move farther away leaving the journey susceptible to further distractions, interruptions, and at a tragic maximum, destruction.  I will repeat it again:  You are in the “make it happen” stage of your lives because only you have the tools to achieve it. We all are presented with distractions but never should they be permitted to undermine the opportunities, dreams, and goals that will soon be the centerpiece of the “great life” that is your birthright.

So ultimately, your life is a product of your creation and the decisions you make will one day be on display and dissection when you look back when you are 52 – what will you see?  Things will be presented to you outside of your control but “when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”  It’s those times when you begin to understand the greatness that circles within you.  For now, act without hesitation so the things that have the best chance of turning out great for you happen right now because “greatness is no accident”.

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We Need To REALLY Look Out For One Another – Protecting Against Despair

16 Friday Sep 2016

Posted by in Confessional, Finding Happiness, Hope

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(Originally Posted 4/15 – A Truth For Each Day We Live)

3/1/15

“I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfix-able was totally fixable – except for having just jumped.” — Ken Baldwin. Golden Gate Bridge jump survivor.

I want to clarify something if you don’t know or are too overconfident to admit it.  We are all vulnerable and are not invincible, impregnable, or indestructible when it comes to the “demons” that infiltrate our barriers.  That’s why it’s so important that we look out for one another!

I read Ken’s quote above and immediately thought of two things:  the scene from “It’s a Wonderful Life” where Clarence the guardian angel saved George Bailey from jumping off the bridge to end his life by jumping off it first.  Clarence knew that George would forget about his own perceived, overwhelming troubles and instinctively think of someone else’s and jump in the water to save Clarence.  It makes me think if we can still think of others even when we can’t connect with ourselves anymore, then maybe things aren’t as dire as we perceive.

The second is a lawsuit I was involved in about a patient in a psych ward on the eighth floor of a hospital who saw a window accidentally left open.  The patient was in the psych unit after being admitted as a threat to himself and predictably saw the window open, raced down the hallway from his room, and dove head first out of it.  I always wondered if the patient momentarily felt free like Superman thinking he could fly through the air until he realized he couldn’t as he closed in on the ground floor.  I don’t say this out of jest by any means because the “poor” man survived with injuries too numerous to detail and I saw his hospital records which were quite dramatic because of their severity.  These stories make me think about what could have been the final trigger that took someone so tired of living in a certain manner, to not wanting to live at all!

Here’s a troubling concept I’m throwing out there for your consideration knowing that I don’t have an answer.  When people make the final choice to extinguish their existence on this earth, do they see those moment as acts of “courage”, “cowardess”, “control”, or “surrender”.  I just wonder if people feel that when they succumb to the belief they no longer have any power over the uncertainty of life, they can have the ultimate control over the eventuality of death. Again I don’t know but I certainly am familiar with certain levels of despair where the phrases “maybe I’d be doing the world a favor if …”, “maybe the world would be better off without me”, or “maybe it would be better if I was never born (George Bailey)”, are just not abstract sentiments uttered just for dramatic effect.  It’s best to never take such sentiments too lightly because the distance between words, consideration, formulation, and action is too imprecise to disregard.

Again it bears repeating that we REALLY have to look out for one another because I shutter thinking about the potential consequences if we don’t!  Oh and by the way for those who use those phrases haphazardly for dramatic exercise or attention, please DON’T, because it scares the crap out of those who care about you, it loses its meaning over time, and there are those truly suffering who deserve that attention.

I stored this quote a while back and it’s relevance seems appropriate for this writing.  “The weeds keep multiplying in our garden, which is our mind ruled by fear.  Rip them out and call them by name.”  There were times leading up to my injury when I was more familiar with some perceived demons than I wanted to be.  I’m just being honest and rest assured that after the last year of reflection and reevaluation, I’m nowhere near those times and only recall them to remind me of the fact I’m really where I want to be.

So maybe you wonder what happened to those “demons”, or “goblins”, or whatever you want to call them that introduced themselves along my pathways.  They’re still around but I no longer fear them with any measure of intensity because I keep them where I can see them and confront them when necessary.  By no means is this due to some new pact I forged with “Christianity” (although the results may be the same) because it’s simpler than that and in the end, I am just enjoying my life with my “Christian”, and Deb, and Jason, a hell of a lot more!

If I had any suggestions through all this which may be worthless to some people, it seems better to stop running from whatever demons that terrify us, keep them close enough to monitor, and forge a manageable coexistence with the ones we can’t change.  It just feels like things seem less formidable and frightening when they’re within our reach.

If in doubt, let the basic foundation of your soul communicate loudly with your heart and mind, and let it guide you.  Let them overshadow and speak louder than those demons because no matter how they present themselves, they should not be allowed to act as our “gospel”.  Remember the goodness in our soul wherever it exists guides us, our demons no matter how perceived lead us astray and as owners of our existence, we CAN control their influence and it takes more work at times to exercise that power.  If you’re still confused, ask for help and if no ones available at the moment, I’m always around if you want someone to talk to.

Here’s something I wrote awhile back waiting for the right topic to use it so I think I’ll share it now.  After a closer exchange with the concept of death that I’d like, I really don’t fear it that much anymore, only the manner and who’ll have to be around that may be affected by it – if that makes sense.  It’s a demon I’m aware of so I keep it close to me so that I can benefit from its presence.  It keeps me driven in how I approach each day and the steps I take managing those 1,440 minutes afforded to me.

I know that if I saw someone like Ken ready to jump off a bridge or that patient running to an open window, I’d do everything in my power to save them because those are situations where my instinctive decision would be obvious.  But I talked to my sons about these story’s trying to impress upon them to be more alert to the subtleties of sadness we see in people we come across each day because we just don’t know the depth or complexities behind that sadness.

I truly am behind the mindset that the “gold standard” of our existence is to be kind to ourselves first and by consequence and extension, to each other.  Really how hard is it to just share a simple and genuine smile or “how are you” to make someone’s day better, even if momentarily, than do nothing when the opportunity calls for it and make it worse? Really how hard is it, or do we just make it that way sometimes?  In the end, we have to keep an eye on each other because it shouldn’t take someone standing on a bridge or flying out a window to grab our attention!

I’ll leave you with this quotation because when overwhelmed, slow down, breathe, and “find a place inside where there’s joy and the joy will burn out the pain.” – Joseph Campbell.  I’ll be keeping my eyes open just in case, trust me.

There Are Always Flowers For You To See – Message To My Sons

11 Sunday Sep 2016

Posted by in Confessional, Finding Happiness, Hope, Looking forward, Reflection

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(Jason Walking Towards New Destinations – In Malibu Canyon Right Before Leaving For College)

4/24/15

“There are always flowers for those who want to see them.” – Henri Matisse

So I read this to Jason early before he went to school seeing that he was exhausted and not overjoyed about going and took a chance that this quote would be timely deposited to provide a bit of positive reinforcement versus annoying nonsense given the tenor of his apparent mood and time of day.  Luckily, it was well received and he actually asked to have it repeated before he walked out the door so hopefully it set the tone for a better day than previously envisioned before the quote was shared with him.

I’ve occasionally thought about a parable during the recovery of my injury and resulting challenges that was shared with me growing up, especially when I found myself drifting towards pessimism and hopelessness, or when seeing others pathologically wallowing in the same.  I’m not sure who first shared it with me or the circumstances leading to its introduction but the story and its message resonates with me each time I start to question my faith in hope or when the foundation of my optimism is unstable.  It happens sometimes and it seems that I’ll reach for anything to either avoid any regression into bouts of despair or, as a reminder of the good fortune that I’ve experienced and which likely awaits me and for that fact, all of us.

This parable may or not be new to you guys but I just wanted to share it with you because even though it may seem silly, I’m betting you’ll find yourself thinking about it someday to yourselves or repeat it to others (maybe your children) to get across that regardless how unfortunate things appear, maybe we’re just looking at them incorrectly or without enough imagination.  So here’s the parable as best I remember and from what little information my research uncovered.  It’s the abbreviated version so feel free to do your own research if you’re so inclined.

The story goes something like this:  Two researchers were hired to conduct a study hoping to uncover the variables and principles giving rise to pessimism and optimism, hoping to uncover the basis serving as the foundation of either.  They decided to initially start with a simple test involving two eight-year old boys and isolating them into two separate rooms. In one room was an abundance of toys, games, and candy that presumably any child would view as an almost heavenly environment.  In the other room contained nothing but wall-to-wall horse manure a couple of feet high that anyone, much less a child, would find vile, repugnant, and devoid of hope for enjoyment or gratification.  To the researchers it was a simple theorem with almost predictable results.  Thereafter, the boys were left in the rooms for an extended period of time so they could absorb their surroundings and confirm the scientists hypothesis.

So hours later the researchers returned, first going to the room with the toys where they expected to find the boy gleefully immersed in the good fortune of his surroundings and reluctant at the idea of having to part from it.  To their shock, they found the boy in the corner moping, pouting, and complaining about being left alone with toys and games that weren’t the same as the ones in his home and not having any of his friends to play with.  The scientists were dumbfounded with the child’s reaction and how different it was from what they anticipated but figured it was only an anomaly that further testing would correct.  From there they moved on to the next room without any doubt about what they would discover.

They opened the door and at first didn’t see the other boy.  Then from under the pile of manure, the other boy’s head popped up with his shirt off and wrapped around his nose masking the odor while he continued to crawl through the crap (right now I’m laughing as I try to envision the scene).  As they stuttered through the question, they asked the boy what he was doing and his response almost dropped them to their knees.  He simply said, “well with all this horse dung here, there’s got to be a pony somewhere!”  And with that belief and faith he returned to his search, even after invited to leave the room.

So the point of the story?  I know from my own perception what the point is to me and my answer may sound as ridiculous as the parable if viewed literally, making such an attempt to do so almost impossible depending on whose asking the question.  I guess it’s futile to try to explain why a silly story about a child crawling in manure hoping to find a pony that doesn’t exist has meaning to me to an audience of skeptics who would also devoutly question my belief in guardian angels, miracles of divinity, or much less the protagonists who form the fictional anchors of the fairy tales that still inspire me.  But Voltaire said that “faith consists in the power of believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe”.

So even if it makes no sense to others, somehow that faith has had the propensity to allow me to believe in so many things that turned out better than expected, even if they did not conform with how others thought I should appreciate them.  But the bottom line is how should that influence or factor in on how I look back at the end of each one of my days or for that matter, when I reflect back upon this life?  I mean after all, I only get one of them and it’s less confusing if I’m the only one allowed to judge it!

So think about the story above and ask yourself whose perspective you’d rather adopt, even if the “pony” may sometimes allude you.  We only have one life and there are no “do overs” once it’s done and just as I have the right to exercise the hope, faith, and optimism within my control, I do understand that others have the right to engage in a pathological manner arising from the opposite end of the metaphorical spectrum filled with an excess of pessimism, negativity, and hopelessness – I don’t understand it but it’s still each person’s right.  However my preference is that those closest to me avoid the latter because you’re just more fun to be around if you practice the former, or at least most of the time. Remember while reading it again that “hope” is a wonderful feeling giving creation to the most wonderful of emotions by stretching the beautiful life that we can either find or allow to find us; and you know what, all of it’s meant to be loved even during the times it would seem easier to dislike!

So I’ll end with this quote because it has influenced me about one of the easiest ways to remain hopeful, optimistic, and find a simple satisfaction within the basic framework of a wonderful life I may have taken for granted far too frequently in the past, and now work vigorously to avoid it happening in the future.  “Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” – James Baraz

Lord I needed to write that and more importantly, get it out there for you to at least consider!

Working Through The Challenges Ahead – For My Sons

07 Wednesday Sep 2016

Posted by in Finding Happiness, Hope, Looking forward

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(Jason Overlooking Malibu Days Before Starting Santa Clara University)

9/18/14

“To be successful you must accept all challenges that come your way.  You can’t just accept the ones you like.”

Life would be so less complicated if all that we wished for flowed to us on a simple stream.  All we would have to do is sit and wait for their arrivals.

No such luck nor should it be that way.  Our greatest accomplishments have to be measured in some manner.  Of course that has to be a study that involves a detailed reassessment of the starting point to its eventual outcome.  The flawed efforts and disappointing initial results have to be factored in before recognizing the level of accomplishment.

Take this into account in the planning for your most important goals.  The ship you charter towards those goals will never sail along the same route you planned.  No matter how you foresee the anticipated obstacles, they present themselves differently or are either replaced with other ones.

DON’T BE FRUSTRATED OR DETERRED!  This is just part of the journey and don’t just crash ahead blindly and stubbornly without thought when simple adjustments will get you to your destination quicker.

Accept this.  Challenges are created by your decisions, failure to make decisions, delay in acting on decisions, or decisions made by others who by necessity (or unfortunately at times your permission) create challenges.  Either way the challenges exist and it is vital that you react to them appropriately, promptly, positively, and with the commitment necessary to overcome them.

You may sometimes doubt whether you have it in you to carry on towards certain dreams because of the complexity of a problem, the effort required, and the uncertainty whether the direction you are headed is towards the proper point on the compass.  DO NOT STOP other than to rest, breathe, think, get your bearings, and then keep moving.

Don’t worry about whether you have the ability.  The creation of the dream was predicated by what was created in you and, fashioned by what was already within you.  Where you are at is at the beginning of the discovery of what has been in you all along and what you will find in the future.  Remember – “not overachievement”, just a matter of “under-discovery”!

Read the creation of challenges as set forth above again.  Use what you already know about yourself to avoid their creation or overcome them.  Be confident that you have within you what has yet to be uncovered to overwhelm the unexpected and associated complications.  I am a man of faith when it comes to you boys so don’t let me and more importantly, yourself down.